“Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for God who has promised is faithful.” ~Hebrews 10:23

There just seems to be one great tragedy after another these days. These moments of deep sorrow, where one’s soul cries out with longing too deep for words, can wear down our faith. While I myself am feeling a little broken and worn from the events of this world, especially the recent death of a young lifeguard at the powerful hand of creation, I turned towards a book that was given to me by a fellow pastor while I was in Divinity School. It is a book of prayers called Guerrillas of Grace: Prayers for the Battle. Written by Ted Loder, it is filled with beautiful prayers that echo scripture and give the words we can’t find when things get tough, much like the Psalms do. I want to share with you the prayer that has given me peace this week:

 “What Can I Believe?”
By Ted Loder

“O God, I am so fragile: my dreams get broken, my relationships get broken, my heart gets broke, my body gets broken. What can I believe, except that you will not despise a broken heart, that old and broken people shall yet dream dreams, and that the lame shall leap for joy, the blind see, the deaf hear. What can I believe, except what Jesus taught; that only what is first broken, like bread, can be shared; that only what is broken is open to your entry; that old wineskins must be ripped open and replaced if the wine of new life is to expand. So, I believe, Lord; help my unbelief that I may have courage to keep trying when I am tired, and to keep wanting passionately when I am found wanting.

“O God, I am so frail: my life spins like a top, bounced about by the clumsy hands of demands beyond my doing, fanned by furies at a pace but half a step from hysteria, so much to do, my days so few and fast-spent, and I mostly unable to recall what I am rushing after. What can I believe, except that beyond the limits of my little prayers and careful creeds, I am not meant for dust and darkness, but for dancing life and silver starlight. Help my unbelief that I may have courage to dare to love the enemies I have the integrity to make; to care for little else save my brothers and sisters of the human family; to take time to truly be with them, take time to see, take time to speak, take time to learn with them before time takes us; and to fear failure and death less than the faithlessness of not embracing love’s risks.

“God, I am so frantic: somehow I’ve lost my gentleness in a flood of ambition, lost my sense of wonder in a maze of videos and computers, lost my integrity in a shuffle of commercial disguises, lost my gratitude in a swarm of criticisms and complaints, lost my innocence in a sea of betrayals and compromises. What can I believe, except that the touch of your mercy will ease the anguish of my memory; that the tug of your spirit will empower me to help carry now the burdens I have loaded on the lives of others; that the example of Jesus will inspire me to find again my humanity.

“So, I believe, Lord; help my unbelief that I may have the courage to cut free from what I have been and gamble on what I can be, and on what you might laughingly do with trembling me for your incredible world.”

("What Can I Believe?" In Guerrillas of Grace: Prayers for the Battle, by Ted Loder, 58-60. Minneapolis, MN: Augsburg Fortress, 1981.)

Let me know how I can pray for you this week.

Blessings friends,
Pastor Nicole